so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
