He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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