As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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