My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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