You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
