sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
