a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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