Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
