Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
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