As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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