he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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