Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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