I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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