can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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