you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
