why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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