I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
