So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Only a mothe r could love this liver
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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