if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Im just a social blackout drinker.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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