I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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