I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
