also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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