I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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