y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
