new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
