just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
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My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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