My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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