She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
