So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
