I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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