I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i drank out of a bidet.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
