It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
