saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
