If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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