Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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