I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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