There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
