I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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