i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
