Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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