Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
