I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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