Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
