she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
