He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
