I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i think i have two assholes
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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