In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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