I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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