I want you more than these girls want KFC
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
