Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
