just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
