I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
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We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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