Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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