bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
