toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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