You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
