Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
