My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
