And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
