I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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