Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
