By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You ruined the universe
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
