take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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