loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
